The Endorsement You've All Been Waiting For!

Endorsements, endorsements, endorsements! Everybody's getting into the endorsement business these days: Romney just endorsed McCain[1], Oprah's all for Obama[2], Bill Clinton endorsed Hillary Clinton[3], and my sources tell me even Oscar the Grouch is on the verge of endorsing somebody![4]

So what the heck, why not jump into the fray and endorse somebody myself? I've got all the right qualifications of former enemy-ship, pop culture cred, has-been status, and dumpster dwelling. So, who's it gonna be? Huh? Huh?

Well, just read the press release:

THE INTERNET. Feb. 12, 2008. After much speculation about which candidate would receive his support, irrelevant blogging personality and unemployed college graduate Josh Hansen unveiled his endorsement for President of the United States in 2008.

"After much deliberation and several late-night pizza runs, I am granting my weighty endorsement to Senator Barack Obama of Illinois," he announced at the press conference to a few cheers and scattered applause. "In addition to his undisputed status as the feel-good candidate, the senator shares many of my specific policy objectives, which I will now outline to you."

Hansen -- a well-known opponent of free markets, free trade, and prosperity -- cited Obama's love of factory jobs[5][Q1], profligate spending habits[6], and paternalistic policies[Q2][Q3] as factors. "The rise of high tech and the decline of unskilled labor, the abundance of educational opportunities for all citizens, and the unprecedented economic expansion that Americans have suffered in the last twenty years are unacceptable, and 'we, the people' have had enough," Mr. Hansen cried to an audience of reporters, politicos, and muppets. "They've shut our factories down, and who for, what for? For Google, that's who. For cheaper manufactured goods, that's what."

He elaborated his hopes with a further lament: "Senator Obama's thorough repudiation of free trade is our only hope of returning to blue collar bliss. The 'paradise lost' of strangled productivity must be regained." Warning against claims that disruptive economic adjustments in the short-run would lead to greater long-term prosperity[7], Hansen reminded listeners of the importance of living "for the moment. Looking too far into the future is the great danger of our time. Foresight never helped anyone to eat a doughnut in the here and now."

Mr. Hansen added his support for irresponsibility in Iraq. "I fear that our glorious defeat in Vietnam is being forgotten. The legacy of defeat must not be abandoned; only an abdication of responsibility in Iraq can prove that America's foreign policy a consistent one of aborted intervention." He also admitted his amusement at the thought of Iraqis "duking it out" in a post-bailout free-for-all.

Rising to his greatest height of oratory elegance, the ex-student urged the faithful onward. "The 'better angels of our nature'[8] resonate with Senator Obama's cry of protectionism, paternalism, and defeatism. It is a glorious message of hope in the face of progress, security in place of opportunity, and surrender when confronted with the threat victory. Turn not back from the noble cause, but fight on, for great shall be our victory!"

Photos come from references [1], [2], [3], and [4].

References
[1] Romney Endorses McCain - Capital News 9
[2] Oprah in Des Moines - The New York Times Politics Blog
[3] The Shamelessness of Bill and Hillary Clinton - Telegraph.co.uk
[4] Oscar the Grouch - Muppet Wiki
[5] Barack Obama's Feb. 12 Speech - New York Times
[6] Candidates' Earmarks Worth Millions - washingtonpost.com
[7] Commanding Heights: Lawrence Summers on PBS, The Importance of NAFTA - PBS
[8] Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address - WikiSource

Quotations
These excerpts are by Barack Obama and come from a blog post carried by his website: Obama's Economic Policy Address at the Janesville GM Assembly Plant.

[Q1] It’s a Washington where decades of trade deals like NAFTA and China have been signed with plenty of protections for corporations and their profits, but none for our environment or our workers who’ve seen factories shut their doors and millions of jobs disappear; workers whose right to organize and unionize has been under assault for the last eight years.

[Q2] A few weeks ago I offered an economic stimulus package based on a simple principle – we should get immediate relief into the hands of people who need it the most and will spend it the quickest. I proposed sending each working family a $500 tax cut and each senior a $250 supplement to their Social Security check. And if the economy gets worse, we should double those amounts.
Neither George Bush nor Hillary Clinton had that kind of immediate, broad-based relief in their original stimulus proposals, but I’m glad that the stimulus package that was recently passed by Congress does. We still need to go further, though, and make unemployment insurance available for a longer period of time and for more Americans who find themselves out of work. We should also provide assistance to state and local governments so that they don’t slash critical services like health care or education.

[Q3] [We would] help those who are facing closure refinance their mortgages so they can stay in their homes. And I’d provide struggling homeowners relief by offering a tax credit to low- and middle-income Americans that would cover ten percent of their mortgage interest payment every year.